I accidentally burped into my bong.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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