I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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