you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Will exercising make me less horny?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
