Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
