i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
