this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
