is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
