You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
