he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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