She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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