Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
