Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
