Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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