My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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