i just had sex bonerless
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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