Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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