can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
