your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
