my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize