Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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