I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
...so i touched it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My vagina just clenched in fear
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
