you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
