matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
