god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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