Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
