remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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