Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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