there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
