I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
