Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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