i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
