So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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