Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
