i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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