I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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