I wish I could teleport
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
