How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
