I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
