Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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