Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
