I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
