remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
