Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
