CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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