a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
