Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
