my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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