I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
