you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
