you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
