i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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