She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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