I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
