I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
