A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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