Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
